The baby is an extension of your love. Even so, fatigue, tension, loss of privacy, and a sense of isolation can make getting together difficult. Remember that you and your partner have created something wonderful together. Becoming a parent changes who you are.

Early postpartum, your partner may feel torn between financial responsibilities and being a good companion to you. You may be feeling overwhelmed, tired, touched out or maybe you are feeling ready to jump into the sheets with your partner. Make sure that you are not only physically ready to make love again, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready.

In the first 6 weeks postpartum, there are physical reasons you will want to wait to have sex.  One being the postpartum bleeding or lochia.  My recommendation is to wait for about one week after the lochia stops flowing.  Spotting is common, so giving your body that full week postpartum ensures that your uterus is completely healed.

Whether you choose to breastfeed or not, your body will likely make milk and go through the hormonal changes postpartum.  The hormone Prolactin that is involved with making milk and breastfeeding can decrease sexual desire.  Prolactin also decreases Estrogen levels, which is part of creating vaginal lubrication.  But if you are nursing, then you are also experiencing the hormone Oxytocin, which can increase your sexual satisfaction.  These waves of hormones can make things feel confusing, so be gentle with yourself and have open communication with your partner.

Being “touched out” is another common experience postpartum and with young children.  When nursing, you have a baby touching you most of the day and night.  Many people experience the desire to have some ‘me’ time without a baby or young child on them.  Know that this can be a very normal part of partpartum. 

Don’t be surprised if sexuality and your relationship continue to change each month of the first year postpartum and then into a toddler and a child.

Tips to help keep your relationship healthy:

• Maintain open communication with each other
• Have a trusted grandparent, relative, or sitter take the baby for an afternoon or evening so that you and your partner can enjoy some time alone. (Remember to leave some expressed milk available.  Many babies can easily cup or spoon feed, if you are wanting to avoid bottles.)
• Have a scheduled weekly date night/evening/afternoon/morning.  Make a plan for this to be a regular event.  
• Try to change the topic.  Obviously, you will talk about your awesome baby and kids, but also plan to intentionally talk to your partner about your dreams, wishes, present and future.  Ask them questions about these things too!  
• Physically you might need to explore your body first before being intimate again.  Start by feeling your vaginal wall and opening.  In the shower, take a moment to gently touch your vaginal opening and inside the vaginal walls. This may or may not be sexual, but it will give you an idea of how your body is healing.
• Masturbate first to remind yourself of the good feelings associated with sex
• Be patient with yourself and your partner. Becoming a parent creates the opportunity to change who you are, but with all changes there is time for that transformation to take place.  
• Find additional ways to be intimate and close
• Use a natural lubricant to counter dryness associated with breastfeeding
• Find ways to make yourself feel sexy and to love your body image

Especially for Partner:

• Maintain open communication with each other
• Don’t tease or make unnecessary comments about her physical body
• Create the time and space for a weekly time that you and her can reconnect.
• Don’t expect intercourse or push your partner. Physically she has just accomplished the marathon of her life. She may need time to heal physically and/or emotionally.
• When you are both ready to resume intercourse make sure you are is freshly washed and very gentle.  Avoid positions that put the woman’s legs to her chest. Use plenty of lubrication and foreplay.
• Find additional ways to be intimate and close. Washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen can be very sexy and a pleasant surprise.
• Remind her how sexy, beautiful, and powerful she is. Remind yourself that you are an amazing person too!
• Reach out to other new dads for support.

  Suggested reading to keep your relationship healthy: The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman